..why you should be glad you aren't me:
So I'm at the grocery store. I finish my shopping, load my groceries into the trunk, and walk the cart back to the front of the store ('cause I'm a swell guy). Parked next to me is this tiny cabriolet-style convertible that looks like some "The Fast and the Furious" effects guy got to it- slammed to the ground, light bars running all over it, paint job more costly than the car itself, the works. It also had a black leather interior, and it was impossible not to chuckle thinking about how much it was gonna hurt when the poor bastard who owned it came out of the store (blazing sun, 100+ out).
Walking back to my car, I see a little kid come around its corner and start yanking on a door handle. I walk up to the kid, lean over, start saying, "Hey, little fella, I think you've got the wrong car..", when suddenly the kid's crazed mother (it turns out) rounds the front of the car, shrieking, and tries to pepper spray me.
I lurched up, jerked away, and toppled backwards into the goddamn little roadster. Yes, the leather was pretty darn warm. Yes, it had an alarm, and it sure did go off. And, of course, I was wedged in and basically stuck.
So if you happen across a badly recorded Youtube video of some crazed, frazzled looking woman shrieking at a crying fat guy trapped in a little red and yellow Tonka-sized convertible with his legs kicking feebly in the air, that's me.
Luckily (so to speak) I didn't seem to get much of the crap on me (I could see after a minute or two, and it only took an hour or so for the redness to clear up), and thankfully I didn't inhale any of it. The car's owner (a little Asian guy with blonde tips- go figure) was relieved that the car was unharmed, but said it would have been worth a few scratches as he couldn't stop laughing. And the crazy lady was very apologetic- she has the same model and color of car as mine, they thought it was theirs, and when she came around the side she saw some enormous Aryan looking jackass approaching her kid so sprayed him. She went from being mortally afraid her kid was being attacked to being mortally afraid she was going to get sued in the space of a few seconds- though I guess I was too busy thinking, "WTF? Seriously, WTF?" to be properly angry.
If next week's Youtube entry features a weird fat guy wandering down the aisles at the market wearing safety goggles or a HazMat hood, you'll know why.
